‘Cali big tits, Cali big tits.’
‘Lady P! Not today please, there’s too much to do!’ Cali Summers threw a strand of silver tinsel towards her pet’s cage. ‘And, if you dare start saying that in front of my mother on Christmas Day.’
‘No, no, no, no, no, no,’ the African grey parrot shrieked and starting diving around her large cage.
Cali laughed. ‘What? Is silver not your colour?’
***
So, that’s my owner, Cali Summers; 30’ish, prettyish, kind, caring, straightforward and naive where men are concerned.
She pretends she’s cross with me most of the time, but I know she loves me really. Fresh food and water every day proves that, and when she’s sad she talks to me too. On and on and on she goes. About her husband leaving her for Bella Bitch, their personal trainer and then boring me about her job as an Events Manager in a hotel.
And, when it’s not that, I tell you, she makes my claws curl with some of the things she’s got up to with men in this flat. It’s since she’s been part of this Tinder dating internet lark, you see. She’s gone a bit crazy with it. And, it’s a good job I can use my discretion sometimes and keep me beak shut or her mother would definitely have a funny turn.
So, despite trying very hard to meet someone to spend Christmas with, it hasn’t happened yet? So, we are spending it this year with her mum, dad, brother, his vile wife Petra and their even viler dog, Snoop, who does nothing but terrorise me for the whole day. I am going to peck his nose off this year so help him, if he dares winds me up.
I don’t like it when she’s sad though. That’s when I have to throw out the ‘I love you Callerina card.’ That makes her smile and when Cali’s happy, I’m happy.
Ooh she’s unloading her bags now, any cuttle fish in there, love? I mean it is Christmas. Here come the mince pies, she loves mince pies. And, sherry. People laugh at her because she likes sherry. I shout ‘wanker’ if they do that. I don’t like them laughing at her.
‘Look what I’ve got for you.’ Cali rustled about in the bag.
‘Get ’em out! Get ’em out!’
‘Lady P, I’ve warned you.’
Ha, ha I knew that would wind her up. But look, banana chips and fruit cup jellies. Yes, perlease...
***
Raising a glass of sherry, Cali places a couple of the treats in the bottom of her errant bird’s cage.
‘Cheers, Lady P and Happy Christmas to you.’
The African grey cocks her head to the side nonchalantly. ‘Jingle Balls, jingle balls, jingle all the way.’
You too can read more about Cali and Lady’s P’s antics in Nicola’s eighth novel, Love Me Tinder; available to download now with the Paperback release on Valentine’s Day.Her Christmas novella, Christmas Evie won an award for the Best Author Read at the 2013 Festival of Romance and is also available to download now.
Follow Nicola on Twitter @nicolamay1
For more information about Nicola and her other books go to www.nicolamay.com
Thank you so much Nicola for sharing Lady P's take on Christmas. I love Lady P so much, so heartily recommend reading Love Me Tinder if you haven't already.
Giveaway to win 5 x .mobi copies of Love Me Tinder (Open Internationally)
Giveaway open internationally, all options are voluntary, but please do what they ask, as I will be verifying the winner. Giveaway closes 23:59 3/1/2017. Winner will be announced on twitter and emailed, and they will need to reply within 7 days, or forfeit the prize, and I will re-draw for a new winner. Good luck everyone.
