We all take chances in life. From choosing
a boyfriend, a career or a house; through to choosing a wedding dress or names
for our children. These are decisions you expect to make over time. But there
are also the unexpected decisions that often creep up. In this
case, one of the biggest choices myself and my husband have ever made was to
become foster parents.
We had originally begun the fostering
process about fourteen years ago, after seeing an advert in a local paper
(accompanied by photos of children looking for homes). However, as our own
family expanded, the plan had been put on the backburner. Fast forward to 2010
and the idea creeped into our minds again. We had moved into a large house, our
children had all started school and I had taken voluntary redundancy from my
job with an airline. All of a sudden, I was at a loose end and yet could not
face another pregnancy. With four children, who were all gaining increasing
independence, we felt we had a lot of experience and love to offer. After
briefly considering overseas adoption, we decided to re-visit the idea of
fostering. There are so many children who need love, care and attention; maybe
this was our chance to help?
After the initial phone call of inquiry,
there were home visits, a TON of forms to be filled out, courses to attend and
some very intrusive questioning. Add in police clearance and compatibility
research, and we were good to go, after about eighteen months. We were approved
for short-term placement (anything from one night to six months) and within a
day we received our first request. We were equally excited and petrified. What
would we do if there was a problem? In Ireland, the state fostering agency only
operates from 9-5, Monday to Friday, and this is what scared us the most.
Luckily, the six-year-old boy was not too frightened and knew he would only be
with us for a few months. He had behavioural problems and it took a while for
him to adapt to our family routine, but he soon settled in perfectly. He
thrived in school and his health improved dramatically. He got to spend time
with his mother twice a week and yet slotted into our family with ease. The day
he went home was joyful for him and heart-breaking for us. Fast forward to today and we have had nine foster
placements. We have a little girl over five years now, and it is likely that
she will remain with us indefinitely. (Here in Ireland, it is rare for foster
children to be placed for adoption).
When we tell people that we are foster
carers, there are always the same reactions. “Aren’t you great? I could never
do that. Just hand them back? No, I’m too emotional. I wouldn’t be able for
that at all”, or, “They usually come with a lot of baggage, right?” Just
because a child is in care, does not mean they are ‘troubled’. It is rarely
their fault that they ended up in the system. More often than not, it is due to
their parent’s addiction or mental health issues. It is hard saying goodbye, of course it is,
but they are usually going back to a well-supported network of family who will
hopefully continue to improve their circumstances. But I think people forget
that these kids need somewhere to go. The awful days of orphanages and
children’s institutions are, thankfully, gone and the state has finally
recognised that these kids need a voice.
Foster parents are more than just a roof
over their heads and food in their bellies. They are a family. A support
system. A voice for the children. We teach them that their circumstances are
beyond their control, they are not to blame and that they deserve to be loved.
A lot of these children have basically raised themselves thus far, and we allow
them to become kids again. We help them catch up with schooling, health and
dental issues, emotional problems, etc. Sometimes we show them how to brush
their teeth; sometimes we teach them how to trust. Mostly, we teach them what
it is like to be a child; how to laugh or cry; sleep without interruption or
fear. We also fight for their individual rights. There is regular communication
with social workers and visitation assistants, regulated update meetings (with
a roomful of officials making decisions for the child) and there are often days
where we feel completely helpless due to lack of legal rights for foster carers.
However, there is no way we would ever regret our decision to foster. Our own
birth children have learned to be the most caring, patient and understanding
people I know and have admitted that they believe being foster-siblings has
made them stronger and more understanding. We have welcomed the most amazing, bright and
beautiful children into our home and now have an added member to our family.
Without fostering, we would have never have met these children; never taught
that first little boy to read or taught our youngest to ride a bike and
impulsively smile for photographs. These
kids will always be a part of us and no matter what age they are. Our door will
always be open for them.
Thank you for sharing Margaret, you are providing a much needed role for many children, and I'm sure they will never forget you.
Margaret Madden is a book blogger/reviewer
who contributes to the Irish Times, The Sunday Independent and writing.ie. She
is a final year BA student of English and History who can be found with her
nose stuck in a book, or with an audio version in her ears. Irish fiction is
her addiction of choice.
What a lovely family xx
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